Stupid tonsils

Ok lets face it I'm in my late 20's and I feel like I've been sick for a year. I finally convinced a Doctor that it was something more than a 'simple' case of strep over and over and over and, well you get the point. I'm sick of having my throat hurt sinuses plugged and being tired. So I went to the ENT and he said my tonsils are chronically inflamed. Grrr I'm at the end of a one month trial with a heart burn meds to see if that was irritating my throat but I don't think that did the trick. That means I have to get my tonsils out (most likely, we are going to try one more thing with allergies I hope.)

I don't really like the thought of surgery even a fairly minor one. Plus this will take me out of work for a few weeks, talking is kinda important for my job. Grrr

Sorry just wanted to whine a little today.

Come back Monday for the big announcement!!!

Oh and don't forget today is the last day to write the FCC about this: http://wannabegreen.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-need-your-help.html

My life in pictures (well part of it.)

These pictures represent a large part of my life, basically my high school years. A time when I grew in the understanding of who I am, and learned that others opinions didn't matter so much. The summer between my sophomore and junior year I went to Honduras for 3 months on a mission trip. When I came back my parents had moved to a new house (don't worry I knew it was happening.) Here it is:
See those windows at the top? That was the upstairs that I shared with my brother. We each had our own room and between those two windows was a large walk in closet that we shared (a door in each room.) We went through many stages with that closet, at one point I had my dresser in the middle to divide it but most of the time it was open. 'Buddy' and I were great friends, we still are. In fact I can say for most of my life he was my best friend. We talk about pretty much everything. We are both married now so its different, but we are still great friends. In fact he is part of the big surprise that is happening on Monday...

This building is part of a conference center my parents ran for a while. My friend Rose and I got permission to have a place where youth from the area (we lived in a party town) could come and hang out, play games, and basically have something to do besides drink. Little did we know that soon the building would be to capacity we would have a live Worship band every weekend and we would start serving dinner. It was great and a lot of my memories happened here.

This is the main building of the Conference center my parents ran. Its amazing. I've worked behind the scenes, with some fairly famous people and I've been interpreting the weekend worship there for years. I've made some great friends in the "techies" that work there every year and some of the musicians as well. There has been a lot of learning here and a lot of friends made. When my first hubby got sick it was over a 'conference weekend' and that is where we escaped to for peace and honestly fun. I still make sure I'm there at least one weekend a year.

This was my best friends house in high school. We are still great friends, in fact he is the father of my godson that I talk about every once in a while. Heck I was friends with the whole family I was even in his sisters wedding! His parents are some of the most loving people I know, at their own expense most of the time. They always had a few random teenagers roaming about the house. I have a lot of memories of movies, back rubs, napping and eating with friends and family here.

This is literally the crossroads of my life, behind is my high school town, left is my first husbands farm home and the city we lived in when we got married. To the right is my now and my future with Mac. Here I am standing at the crossroads (on a very windy day, why is it always so windy when I travel?) I've had a lot happen in my life, its taken me many different directions. But I like the way its going now. I've been blessed beyond measure. I just can't say enough... Here is one of my life quotes that pretty much sums it up:

"We live, we love, we forgive and never give up. Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above And today we remember to live and to love." ~SuperChick We Live

Please don't forget to write the FCC and save Video Relay Services as we know them.

I need your help.

Please link up, tweet, facebook whatever. If you agree with what I'm saying help make a difference. Ask me if you have any questions

**** The FCC is no longer accepting comments***

I honestly don't know how to start or how to explain this so instead of a 3 page explanation I'll just get to the point. I work for a video relay company (VRS) that interprets phone calls for people who use sign language. Think about all the calls you make in a day, to family, your doctor, your banker...on and on for business and pleasure. These calls would not be possible for Deaf people without an interpreter. This service is provided by the government as a part of the ADA law (Americans with Disabilities Act) the same law that requires wheelchair ramps and such.

Anyway, the VRS system is governed by the FCC (Federal Communications Commission) and on April 30th they published a public notice with the proposed pay rates for TRS (telephone relay service). This new rate will mean a significant decrease in pay for the companies that do the most work. Here is a direct quote from the public notice
" This calculation results in rates of $5.7754 for Tier I, $6.0318 for Tier II, and $3.8963 for Tier III. The Bureau also particularly seeks comment on whether the Commission should adopt 2010-2011 interim Fund Year rates based on NECA’s proposed use of weighted averages in calculating each of the tiers, as described in the 2010 TRS Rate Filing."
So this is what that means, the bigger companies that process most of the calls will not be able to go on at that level of income. They will be forced to either shut down or reduced their numbers considerably. This will cause more calls to go to the smaller companies who won't be able to process the calls in the allowed time by the FCC. Therefore they won't get paid for their minutes and have great financial troubles as well. I just don't understand how they think the bigger companies who are doing more work can survive on that amount. They are doing more work because they have more interpreters and therefore more overhead expenses. I honestly just don't understand the logic.

Anyway back to the point, if you don't like how this sounds and you don't like the loss of equal communication for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing please write to the FCC before May 14th. I've made it easy just follow these steps and if you want you can even copy and paste the letter I have at the end of this message. Please help keep the phone accessible for everyone.

So here is what you can do:

***The FCC is no longer accepting comments***

Sample letter

A great birthday weekend!

My weekend started late Saturday morning (yeah for sleeping in) with a trip to the farmers market!

It was my first time this season, it was a short visit however because 15 or so min after arriving I got a call from hubby saying he had an accident with a knife and was bleeding pretty bad. I got home and took a look at it, it had already clotted so we steri-stripped it and went on with our day. On to a Living Green expo! It was great and I'm glad my honey came with me, it was nice just to be with him and check out all the fun booths. After that it was off to a late lunch at Olive Garden, yumm. It was there we discovered he was bleeding again, off to the hospital for some stitches. He didn't want his picture taken so this is all I've got.

After that we went home and just relaxed for the rest of the night. It was nice. Then on to Sunday, my actual birthday. We went to Church and then to Dinner with the family, yumm!

The best part was free dessert!

Then we did a little shopping and I spent my birthday money, the hubby took me to one of my favorite stores and told me to get whatever I wanted for my present from him. Woo Hoo!

We played frisbee for a while with the puppy...

Then it was time for movies and a relaxing evening! What a great day...oh and I made out with some great loot too!

Close up of the eye shadow:

It's my birthday!

Just thought I would let you all know it's my birthday today! I'm planning on a great dinner with my new family and some fun shopping with my hubby. Come back later to find out where and see some pics.

15 min till I'm out the door, and Greening your morning.

So at least once a week I hit snooze one to many times....I'm sure I'm not the only one. Anyway there are days when I only have 15-20 min to get ready and I find that putting on my make-up is what makes or breaks my timetable. So I thought I would show you my staples, what I use when I'm in a hurry. As I've mentioned before I'm in the process of switching to greener more natural makeup, but I'm not going to just throw out what I have that would be a major waste. So I'm using it up.

(Top Left to Bottom Right)

1. CO Bigelow Lip Tint (Bath and Body Works)

2. Mary-Kay blush brush (its greener to keep it till its dead than buy a new one)

3. M.A.C Bronzer/Highlighter/Blush (it was a Christmas thing so they no longer have it)

4. Clinique Quick Eyes Cream Shadow in Starlit Pink. (Now in a tube with wand)

5.Everyday Minerals base in Golden Fair (I'm in love!)

6. Everyday Minerals Baby Bamboo Brush (only available in select kits but checkout their kits they are amazing!)

How to green your morning.

~ Take your shower the night before and let you hair air dry. Then the next morning it will only take 1/2 or none of the electricity to style it since you only have to use the flatting iron or curling iron instead of also using a blow dryer. If you put your hair up every other day like I do you don't use any (second day hair!)

~While we are on the subject shower everyday if you must but only wash your hair every other.

~Use bar shampoo and soap instead of traditional store bought. Less ingredients, plastic and better for your skin and hair! My current fav is the Vanilla Buttermilk Bar from Apple Valley Natural Soaps it leaves my skin silky. I haven't switched to shampoo yet because again I'm trying to use up what I have.

~ Use a green make-up I'm seriously loving the Everyday Minerals base and eye shadow.

~If you still like to go to the counter and purchase, consider MAC they have a back to MAC program where you can return 6 of their primary packaging either to the store or mail in and get a free lipstick!

~Here is the easiest one of all, turn off your water while you brush your teeth.

Well that is all I can think about for now, let me know if you have any green hints for me.

To: Amber age 12

Dear Amber age 12

Life is hard, but there is no avoiding the hurts because they are what make you into who you are.

You will be teased for what you believe, but this will just strengthen your beliefs.
You will struggle at school but that will make success even more sweet.
You will be told you can't, just to prove that you can.
You will fall in love, marry young, and lose your husband to cancer, and you will survive.
You will start life all over again and find that there is more love for you than you can imagine.

You will find a man that you love.
You will find a job that you love.

But best of all you will find yourself.

~Amber age 26

This picture perfectly showes my past (angel wing tattoo) and my future (hubby) and myself (colorful flowers.)

I wrote this letter to myself as an entry in to a project for Janae on the blog Pink Moss. Read more about the idea, the instructions, and the response on her blog.

Birthdays

Birthdays always make me reflective I think about my life, what I've done and what I hope to accomplish in the future. I start to wonder about what this year is going to bring and what "27" will feel like.

I wonder what this year will bring:

~How big will Cooper get?
~What will we do on the house (bathroom pics VERY soon I promise)?
~What kind of adventures will Hubby and I have? (we are planing some camping and kayaking!)
~Will they ever figure out what is wrong with my sinuses?

Its also a time to reflect on what I've learned over the last year:

~Yes I can find love again.
~I don't have to let fear control my marriage. Yes hubby could get sick, but why worry about it?
~It's ok to be a little selfish, have a little me time. In fact its healthy
~My body does well on a raw diet and I need to integrate it into my diet more often.

Finally what a great time to look at the blessings in my life:

~Hubby
~A supportive family
~Great friends
~and last but not least a God who is in control of everything.

So what do you do anyway?

This is me, I love what I doI get to make funny faces and no one laughs at me....
I'm a sign language interpreter!
These pictures were taken at one of my favorite places to interpret a Bible conference in the Mid-West. I started interpreting music and it is still my favorite. You can be so expressive with music and the meaning of the song. It is also the hottest job I do, summer air outdoor stage and stage lights wheww.

However that is not how I get paid my paying job is working for a video relay company. It's pretty cool. Anyone know what TTY's are? This is the new and improved version! Its all done though web cam and interpreters. I simply interpret everything I see the Deaf person sign on my web cam and then sign everything I hear on the phone line back to them. Its very smooth and except for the times when I'm interpreting for a man its easy to forget I'm there.

My job is so interesting, think of all the things you do and talk about over the phone. To your mom, your friend, the electric company, business meetings and so on. I can go from telling someone they have cancer to announcing a pregnancy. Its a crazy up and down job and I love it!

Any questions let me know!

A thoughtful post

Read Genesis 1:25-31, better yet I'll post it right here for you:

" 25God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good.
26Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."
27God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
28God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
29Then God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you;
30and to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the sky and to every thing that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food"; and it was so.
31God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day."

This is the creation story its pretty basic and straight forward but that doesn't mean its not thought provoking. Look at verse 31 notice it says it was very good. Adam and Eve had done nothing but they were acceptable because God said he was. So if God says we are 'very good' why do we struggle with this need for significance? Since the fall of man we have been isolated from our true form of significance and we have been trying to fill the void ever since.

We are trying to fill this void with everything but the one thing that can fill it. Its the whole 'God shaped hole' theory. I think a lot of people use this analogy wrong, this isn't the salvation message this is the how to live your life message.

If we could just focus on living for Christ instead of others we would all be a lot happier.

My mind is racing.

I had a really hard weekend I'm not going to lie. Saturday I broke down. These last few weeks have slowly started to remind me of the time right after Mark (my first husband) passed away. I'm alone in a house, with a new puppy that needs to be trained, projects that need to be done, a house that needs to be kept up and a day job...I was overwhelmed and freaking out. One of my biggest fears is looseing my hubby...again. I called Mac and we talked for a while and I started feeling better. This week is going much better PTL! Anyway

These last 2.5 weeks with my hubby gone have been interesting to say the least. There have been highs and lows and a lot of questions. The questions are what have my mind racing. I'm in a stage of life where I'm trying to define myself, don't get me wrong I know who I am, but how does that play out in 'real life?'

Here is what I know I am a believer in Christ and I know that because of my sins, his death and resurrection is the only way I will get to heaven. I know that I am deeply loved by many people, I am truly blessed in this area. I know that I enjoy taking care of people and making them happy. I like to craft, read, and do projects around the house. I enjoy the outdoors and pretty much anything you can do outside. I believe in being responsible with the world we live in. I also believe that our bodies weren't created to live on so much processed food.

So where does that leave me? Spinning that's where, these are some major areas that I want my life to represent. But how does that play out in real life, what does it look like?

I don't want to be the normal everyday Christian but I don't want to be the zealot on the street corner either. If I truly believe what I say I don't why don't I have the desire to be in the word studying more? Why don't I want to share my faith more readily? I know I live it out in general. I know people can see I'm different but I want them to know why.

I want to take care of the ones I love as much as I can but not at the expense of my mental and physical heath. This is honestly new to me, Hubby is trying so hard to help me with this but I'm struggling with accepting what he says as truth. For example I wanted to get the bathroom done before he got home. I was working myself so much that I was falling asleep and taking 3 or 4 naps AT WORK! He told me I didn't need to do it myself and he would help when he got home. But I just kept working on it until I broke down physically and emotionally this weekend. I slept so much over the weekend (multiple hour naps) but at least this week I'm doing well. I've been working on keeping the house together, because that makes me happy. I'm still working on the bathroom but just a project or two a day. This week is so much better my positive attitude is back and I'm definitely more awake! I know the hubby will still love me no matter what but I keep convincing my self he would be happier if...

I want to be green without being a nut job (or have people view me as a nut job.) and I want to eat as healthy as possible, but does that mean organic, raw, local, or do I eat a variety of fruits and veggies so I stay balanced no matter where they came from and what chemicals may have been used? This is a big one right now since I'm doing the whole raw thing. I'm honestly at a loss.




**edited to add the following**
It was pointed out to me that I can be pretty harsh on my self, while that is true, that is not the spirit of this post. I'm actually excited about most of these things. I'm excited to define my beliefs on food and greenness there is so much you can do and say and I want to know where I stand so that I'm not pushed into something I don't want to do. With the pleasing others situation, I'm excited because I'm starting to not only know what is healthy for me but to act on it! Your right however my knowledge of the Bible and my beliefs is something I do get down about.

However I just wanted to point out that this was not meant to be a bummer post.

Blog Happy

I'm starting to realize how happy blogging makes me. Friday morning I started a little down, but by the end of going through my feed reader I was smiling and excited for the day. My blog community inspires, challenged. provokes thoughts, encourages, and keeps me in contact with old friends and new. I like that I can share my thoughts, ideas, hints and progress to anyone who cares.

I love discovering new blogs and then sharing them with all of you so that you can love them too. I've found friends that I haven't spoken to in years and friends I'd forgotten completely about.

My friend Sara's blog was the major inspiration for me going green(er) and my crazy healthy eating (not always but it has improved dramatically.) She is the one who started me on green smoothies and the reason I'm going raw for 3 weeks. Through her blog I've connect to so many others to help me along this journey. I'm discovering myself and who I want to be.

My life up until now has always been controlled by some outside force (good and bad) Being young, parents, school, cancer....but now nothing just God, me, hubby and Cooper. I've learned so much until now I've loved and I've lost but I've never truly figured out me. But I am now, and I like it. I've always been a little different and that hasn't changed, it is just defined now.

I'm working on putting it into words (not my greatest strength which is funny for a blogger) and will share it as soon as I do.

A very confusing day.

For those of you who don't know I was married once before. My first husband passed away from cancer in 2007. For more about that you can read my story.

Today would have been Mark's 27th birthday. That made it a very confusing day for me. Its hard when you have 2 men in your life and you miss them both. My husband is away in business and won't be back for a week and Mark is up in heaven healed. MAC (that is what I'm going to call my husband from now on) is great. He understands about Mark and even got to meet him once before he passed away, but still what do you say? I miss MAC and I miss Mark today too. I'm not sure what to even write its so confusing but for some reason I really wanted to share.

My dad called me today and said something pretty cool, he told me that he thinks the post-mark woman is a lot cooler than the never met Mark woman ever would have been. He is right, Mark taught me so much about being independent and strong. He taught me about my faith and how to truly love someone. He taught me how to work hard and take pride in what you do. Without all of these things I wouldn't me the woman MAC fell in love with.

So thanks Mark thanks for making me in to the woman I am today. Thanks for changing my life. I know this isn't the way we planned but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. How many people are blessed enough to marry their soul mate twice?

MAC thank you so much for understanding this confusing time, thank you for loving me even though its more complicated than 'normal.' Thank you for being here for me and for loving me just the way I am. Not alot of men could you are very special and I hope you know that.

Tusday randomness. (giveaways and freebies)

I'm out of it today I have a million things going through my head and none of them are related to the other so lets just get it all out on the page here.

First the fun stuff, here are some giveaways and freebies that I'm loving right now, this is also a good way to get a sneak peek at my reading list.

Here is a Sterling Silver hand hammered necklace giveaway. I want one of these so bad.

Here is one for a cute and eco friendly baby shower gift or prize for all you mommies out there.

Here is a link for a free photobook ( I haven't tried it yet I'm at work)

This is a large ‘8×11′ PhotoBook to all new customers {not the small 8×8’s or flip books}. To Get a free Classic photo book at Picaboo! Use code AFFLGB. New customers can choose a 20-page ‘Large Classic’, ‘Classic Leather’, or ‘Classic Custom’ high quality photo book (valued at $39.99).

Now on to my other ramblings. Today is taking forever. It is my Monday (I normally work Tuesday-Friday) without a hubby to go home to its dragging on. I'm just not excited. Normally I would be excited about the bathroom project but I worked on that for about 12 hrs a day for 3 days and I'm kinda over it. I need to get myself excited again or its never going to happen. My goal is to have it painted and all the wood re stained before my Hubby comes home in two weeks. Sounds easy enough but I'm going to be gone for the weekend so yeah.. I would really like to get some of the tile down but we will see.

I've also been reading a lot about people cleaning out their house and getting rid of all of the things they didn't need. This is something I've tried before but it seems like the clutter always comes back. I have a lot of projects I want to do around the house and this is a big one. But I have to finish that bathroom first...

I am excited to see my friends this weekend but that is going to make my 2 weeks of raw a little more hard. I'm going to take things to make my smoothies and for salads but since I only am going raw 2 meals a day I think I can make it. We will see...

Ok long rambling post I"ll be more focused tomorrow

Amber

Lessons from the bathroom.

Yes you read that right.

My parents came up this weekend to help with the bathroom re-construction. But first we had to do more destruction. This is what I've learned in the bathroom this weekend.

Do it right the first time. There was absolutely nothing wrong with our bathroom structurally except the fact it was pink! But the previous owners (who built the house) did everything at the best it could be done in the early 60's and it has held up. But it did use a lot of water. However this did make it a pain to remove everything (there is 2" of cement locking in the tile and bathtub.) It was solid and if not for the color would not have needed anything done. Look at that foil lined insulation that was the best of the best back then. If you look on the floor to the left you can just see where I had to cut out 2" of concrete to get the tub out.

Ask for help when you need it. Hubby and I are pretty smart and fairly handy but there is no way the two of us could have gotten this tub surround in without my Dad. We didn't have the tools or the knowledge. Thanks Dad. Not only was he helpful but Mom kept the house running, made meals did dishes, and folded/washed laundry. It was amazingly helpful. Oh did I mention she did several runs to home improvement stores....

The right tools make the job sooo much easier. I learned how to pre-fill nail holes for my dad and my first putty knife was bent up and made it impossible, once I got a new one I looked like a pro....maybe.


Teamwork makes everything easier. Enough said.

Take time to have some fun. I don't look great but this moment felt so good! Hubby left yesterday for a two week business trip and I think this pic/memory will help me make it through.
There you have it that is what I have learned. Now for some sleep.

The wonder of craigslist and other things...

So I think by know you all now my favorite color is not pink, and that is the main reason I don't like my bathroom. However you never know who out in the crazy world is in love with pink. So just in case I posted my tile, tub, toilet, sink and such on craigslist last night before bed. Low and behold I had 5 e-mails about it when I woke up this morning! The tub, sink, and accessories have all been claimed! I'm just left (so far) with a toilet and tile! Plus the guy who is going to help me get the tub out is a metal recycler! And the Chick who wants the accessories is using them to re-finish her bathroom retro style. I'll ask her if I can post pics. Its pretty cute and much better than my all pink bathroom! I'm loving that these things will get reused or recycled instead of put in the land field.

So on to the 'other things' I was referring to. About two weeks ago I went to a great BBQ place with some friends and broke out the bamboo travel silverware for the first time in 'public.' The response was funny, a lot of people just asked why, a few thought it was cool and I was proud. It was funny. So far none of my friends thought I was 'crazy' green (I'm not but I'm working on it) but now they are starting to wonder, and I like it.

Random thought number 2, I have an interesting mind. I'm one of those people that if I have a plan in mind and it has to change (specifically regarding schedule) it really throws me off. So the other day my hubby found out he had to go on a last min business trip that will last between 2-4 weeks. Once I got over the initial shock I was cool with it and thought he was going to be leaving today. Not so now it may not be till this Friday or next Friday. You would think this would be good news but I'm kinda twisted up about it. I was ready for him to leave so that I could be ready for him to come back now its just putting off the inevitable. Grr.

Ok last random thought, I forgot my water bottle. I didn't want to go buy a plastic one but then a friend at work had a good idea. Go buy one and then keep it in the office empty for when I forget my bottle the next time I can just use it again. Thanks Hil! I know using the plastic ones over and over isn't advised but it won't be often and probably just in till I get a cheaper back up here. I don't want to leave one of my $20.00 Sigg bottles in the office.

Ohh and check out my SIL's blog http://www.theiheartblog.com/

My contradicting opinions on self worth.

So yes I'm still going through the book "The Search for significance" slowly but surly. Anyway I'm now working my way through he work book part and one question asked me this:



"Is it difficult to view yourself in terms other than your performance or others opinions of you? If so why?"

I found my answer pretty interesting, if I do say so myself. It went something like this: At work I have no problem with my self-worth I know I'm a good interpreter and I do my job well. However at home or with friends and family my works are only 'good' if they approve.

Humm interesting, looking this over and thinking about it, it may have something to do with opinions none the less. At work I often hear good job, nice stats, its good to have you here. I know I'm appreciated. But outside of work we don't do that (not just my family and friends all people) we don't take the time to appreciate people for what they do and for the support they give us. I guess this is really two fold, what am I expecting from people and what am I giving people?

Here is the definition of self-worth from the book pg 163 " Self-worth, often called self-esteem or personal significance, is characterized by a quite sense of self-respect and a feeling of satisfaction with who we are. true self -worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance."

I guess you could say one of my love languages was words of affirmation, but my self-worth should not depend on them.

I'm taking this as a challenge how can I encourage those around me?

That point in your life.

Everyone will come to a point in their life when they realize that they are not in control. I've hit this point a few times and each time I just can't seem to give it up, even when its so obvious that I'm not in control. Why do I feel the need? Why can't I simply just trust God, he is the one who is ultimately in control anyway. It's one of those things I know in my head but I just can't seem to put in to action.

You would think that when Mark got sick I would have given that control up, and I did sorta. I knew that I couldn't control whether or not he was healed in heaven or on earth, however I still tried to control his pain, comfort, and our lives as much as possible. I became strong because I had to I didn't want to let him down. I helped with shots, O2, draining his lungs, pain meds and as much as I could physically do around the house so he didn't have to. I was still trying to control my life.

Even after Mark passed away I tired to remain in control, in a time where I really shouldn't of have to. People are allowed to loose it a little after the death of a loved one. Heck they are allowed to loose it alot!

After meeting Ryan I started to realize how stressed out this was making me. But that didn't stop me till one day last May, I broke, I had some good friends go through a really hard time in the marriage and for some reason, that was all it took. I had the comfort of Ry and I knew that he was able to support me and so to be honest I lost it. I could barley keep myself together. The house was a wreck, I was a wreck and I couldn't get through a day without crying. But still in the midst of it all I found myself trying desperately to regain control, it only made it harder when I failed. I didn't want to disappoint Ry. No matter how many times he told me I couldn't.

Why is this so hard? I'm trying, I'm learning but I just can't give up the reigns. Its a slow process but I think I'm on my way. Life seems better now, easier. I'm learning about my people pleasing ways and my controlling tendencies. Right now I'm in the awareness stage, not quite to the correcting stage. I hope I get there soon...oops there I go again, it will happen in time, when I'm ready (deep breath.)



semper reformanda secundum verbum Dei (always reforming according to the word of God, stolen from my friend Matt)
Amber

Randomness

This is what is going through my head right now:

~ Silly puppy whining all night with that cone around his head, I couldn't sleep a wink. (He was neutered yesterday)

~Sweet husband telling me to go sleep in the guest room and he would take the Cooper shift so I could sleep. (Hubby comes to bed much later than I do when he doesn't have to work the next day.)

~I'm sick of feeling sick, I wish I could just kick this once and for all.

~I really hope the reason my camera couldn't focus last night was because the battery was almost dead, I don't know what I would do if that thing was broken :(

~I hope I make it through work today I see a few short power naps coming on.

~Do I really want to stop by the store just for q-tips? My ears have been so full of gunk as a part of this cold...TMI sorry.

~I'm happy I had the day off yesterday and didn't have to deal with the snow and traffic.

~I'm happy my hubby has today off so he can look after the poor puppy.

Well that is about how my ADHD brain works enjoy!

Going off grid for the weekends.

So I just realized that it might seem a little weird that I post for 2 or 3 days in a row and then disappear for a while....well that is exactly what I do.

During the weekends I try very hard not to become addicted to my computer or I would get nothing done. I barley even check my e-mail. It gets delivered to my phone but if its not an emergency I wait and deal with it during the work week. I'm one of those people that once I connect to the Internet I find every reason to stay connected.

Recently I've learned that I can post date my blog entries to be published on later days as well as just trying to spread out the ideas I have. I hope to have more consistent postings in the future.

Meanwhile I will continue to go 'off grid' for the weekends for my and my houses sanity.