A thoughtful post

Read Genesis 1:25-31, better yet I'll post it right here for you:

" 25God made the beasts of the earth after their kind, and the cattle after their kind, and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good.
26Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."
27God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
28God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
29Then God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you;
30and to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the sky and to every thing that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food"; and it was so.
31God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day."

This is the creation story its pretty basic and straight forward but that doesn't mean its not thought provoking. Look at verse 31 notice it says it was very good. Adam and Eve had done nothing but they were acceptable because God said he was. So if God says we are 'very good' why do we struggle with this need for significance? Since the fall of man we have been isolated from our true form of significance and we have been trying to fill the void ever since.

We are trying to fill this void with everything but the one thing that can fill it. Its the whole 'God shaped hole' theory. I think a lot of people use this analogy wrong, this isn't the salvation message this is the how to live your life message.

If we could just focus on living for Christ instead of others we would all be a lot happier.

He is alive!

This is it, without Christ's death on the cross bearing our sins we would have no change or living the sin free life we would have to in order to get to heaven. Today is the reason I know Mark is in heaven. Mark believed in Easter, he believed in the cross and resurrection and that belief is why he is in heaven healed rejoicing with the angels right now.

But what about those on earth? As a friend of mine pointed out "

Most of us think of the Easter as when Jesus died and rose again; many of us even think of Jesus as being God; but how many of us tie the two together and think of "God" dying?" ~Shawn T.

Just think about that for a little bit as this Easter season comes to an end.

My mind is racing.

I had a really hard weekend I'm not going to lie. Saturday I broke down. These last few weeks have slowly started to remind me of the time right after Mark (my first husband) passed away. I'm alone in a house, with a new puppy that needs to be trained, projects that need to be done, a house that needs to be kept up and a day job...I was overwhelmed and freaking out. One of my biggest fears is looseing my hubby...again. I called Mac and we talked for a while and I started feeling better. This week is going much better PTL! Anyway

These last 2.5 weeks with my hubby gone have been interesting to say the least. There have been highs and lows and a lot of questions. The questions are what have my mind racing. I'm in a stage of life where I'm trying to define myself, don't get me wrong I know who I am, but how does that play out in 'real life?'

Here is what I know I am a believer in Christ and I know that because of my sins, his death and resurrection is the only way I will get to heaven. I know that I am deeply loved by many people, I am truly blessed in this area. I know that I enjoy taking care of people and making them happy. I like to craft, read, and do projects around the house. I enjoy the outdoors and pretty much anything you can do outside. I believe in being responsible with the world we live in. I also believe that our bodies weren't created to live on so much processed food.

So where does that leave me? Spinning that's where, these are some major areas that I want my life to represent. But how does that play out in real life, what does it look like?

I don't want to be the normal everyday Christian but I don't want to be the zealot on the street corner either. If I truly believe what I say I don't why don't I have the desire to be in the word studying more? Why don't I want to share my faith more readily? I know I live it out in general. I know people can see I'm different but I want them to know why.

I want to take care of the ones I love as much as I can but not at the expense of my mental and physical heath. This is honestly new to me, Hubby is trying so hard to help me with this but I'm struggling with accepting what he says as truth. For example I wanted to get the bathroom done before he got home. I was working myself so much that I was falling asleep and taking 3 or 4 naps AT WORK! He told me I didn't need to do it myself and he would help when he got home. But I just kept working on it until I broke down physically and emotionally this weekend. I slept so much over the weekend (multiple hour naps) but at least this week I'm doing well. I've been working on keeping the house together, because that makes me happy. I'm still working on the bathroom but just a project or two a day. This week is so much better my positive attitude is back and I'm definitely more awake! I know the hubby will still love me no matter what but I keep convincing my self he would be happier if...

I want to be green without being a nut job (or have people view me as a nut job.) and I want to eat as healthy as possible, but does that mean organic, raw, local, or do I eat a variety of fruits and veggies so I stay balanced no matter where they came from and what chemicals may have been used? This is a big one right now since I'm doing the whole raw thing. I'm honestly at a loss.




**edited to add the following**
It was pointed out to me that I can be pretty harsh on my self, while that is true, that is not the spirit of this post. I'm actually excited about most of these things. I'm excited to define my beliefs on food and greenness there is so much you can do and say and I want to know where I stand so that I'm not pushed into something I don't want to do. With the pleasing others situation, I'm excited because I'm starting to not only know what is healthy for me but to act on it! Your right however my knowledge of the Bible and my beliefs is something I do get down about.

However I just wanted to point out that this was not meant to be a bummer post.

That point in your life.

Everyone will come to a point in their life when they realize that they are not in control. I've hit this point a few times and each time I just can't seem to give it up, even when its so obvious that I'm not in control. Why do I feel the need? Why can't I simply just trust God, he is the one who is ultimately in control anyway. It's one of those things I know in my head but I just can't seem to put in to action.

You would think that when Mark got sick I would have given that control up, and I did sorta. I knew that I couldn't control whether or not he was healed in heaven or on earth, however I still tried to control his pain, comfort, and our lives as much as possible. I became strong because I had to I didn't want to let him down. I helped with shots, O2, draining his lungs, pain meds and as much as I could physically do around the house so he didn't have to. I was still trying to control my life.

Even after Mark passed away I tired to remain in control, in a time where I really shouldn't of have to. People are allowed to loose it a little after the death of a loved one. Heck they are allowed to loose it alot!

After meeting Ryan I started to realize how stressed out this was making me. But that didn't stop me till one day last May, I broke, I had some good friends go through a really hard time in the marriage and for some reason, that was all it took. I had the comfort of Ry and I knew that he was able to support me and so to be honest I lost it. I could barley keep myself together. The house was a wreck, I was a wreck and I couldn't get through a day without crying. But still in the midst of it all I found myself trying desperately to regain control, it only made it harder when I failed. I didn't want to disappoint Ry. No matter how many times he told me I couldn't.

Why is this so hard? I'm trying, I'm learning but I just can't give up the reigns. Its a slow process but I think I'm on my way. Life seems better now, easier. I'm learning about my people pleasing ways and my controlling tendencies. Right now I'm in the awareness stage, not quite to the correcting stage. I hope I get there soon...oops there I go again, it will happen in time, when I'm ready (deep breath.)



semper reformanda secundum verbum Dei (always reforming according to the word of God, stolen from my friend Matt)
Amber

The current struggle in my life.

I want to let you all know first that this is a very honest confession, one that is hard to put out there but by doing so I think it will help me thing through everything. I like "seeing things in print" and I value your opinions.

Image: Simon Howden / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Church....I love my Church I love what it represents that it is reaching out to others and inviting them in. I love the people in it, they are my local family. But because of the outreach mission of my Church 70% of the time the sermons are very well... basic. Again there is nothing wrong with this but I'm finally in a place where I want to learn, I want to know the history and the background not just the stories. I've got the basics down. Don't get me wrong I have no plans to leave my Church that would honestly hurt to much. These people were with me during the hardest parts of my life and are now celebrating the good times with me. I have no desire to leave I just have a desire to learn. We do have small groups and the point of those are to feed the 'non-beginners' so to speak. However the series we are doing isn't what I thought it would be. It is more a discussion about common "rules" of Christianity and challenging their merit. There isn't a lot of study to it like I thought there would be. I've been doing some studying on my own and Ry and I are going to start soon (he has a much more in depth background than I do.) so that is exciting to me.

I wish there could be a happy medium. but those Churches just don't make it in this world. You have to the either or.

So here is the contemplative part. The question I guess. My Church does a good job of clearly stating that Church is for the seekers and Bible study is where we get the meat. Why don't other seeker Churches do this??? Have we become so complacent that these basic sermons are enough? Do we just go to Church because we are supposed to and really aren't paying attention? I'm glad that there are Churches out there for the new Christians but if we the 'long time' Christians are going to them without any other supplement (devotions, Bible study, etc.) how are we learning anything?

Thoughts on Thursdays

Humm so I was reading my book again ("The Search for Significance" by Robert S. McGee) and once sentence really hit me not just for spiritual reasons but for relationship reasons. Here it is " Conviction deals with your behavior, not our status before God."( pg133 in the new version)

This is also, I believe, how we should view our marriages. We need to understand that when our spouse is correcting or asking us to change something it doesn't affect their love for us its simply a behavior that needs adjustment. I have a bad habit of forgetting where I placed my phone and it drives my husband nuts however I know that when he points it out to me he doesn't love me any less he just doesn't want to spend money on a new phone.

However I have a harder time accepting that reality when he is pointing out my tone or something like that. Then it is much harder to remember the 'love' part and go straight to feeling guilty. This changes how I think he views my 'status' when in fact it does not. He still loves me just the same but he is trying to improve our communication.



Guilt refers to our status and how we think others feel about us.

Conviction is without guilt it doesn't change our status there is just room for improvement.


Wow, that could change marriages right there. If we could train ourselves to view things this way....If we could simply remember throughout the corrections and annoyances that you still love each other and your are only trying to better the marriage not tear each other apart or blame them for everything. We also make sure we are approaching things this way, building the marriage not tearing it down.

Who do I want to be?

It seems like it is impossible to make personal goals (loose weight, eat better, get in the Word more, and so on) and keep them so starting today I have a new approach. I'm going to map out who I want to be and then when I'm tempted to deviate I'll ask myself if it lines up with that "person."

Now understand I'm not trying to change my whole personality I like who I am in general but I feel like there are some parts of my life that I got 1/2 way to my goal and then became stagnant. These are things that I care about but seem to be stuck. So here is a rough draft of "Who I want to be"

I would like to be a Spirit led Bible fed, Godly wife. I want to eat not just healthy but quality foods that will enhance my life not take away from it. I want to take care of the earth in any practical way I can without becoming a full blown "nut." I want to take care of the body that God has given me by not sitting down all day, playing with the dog and exercising. I would like to stop being so materialistic and focus on the things that really matter and de-clutter my life. I want to be a friend that people know they can count on. I would also like to continue to improve my interpreting skill and not just be content with where I'm at.

Ok so there you have it I'm gong to tweak it and start applying it today. Here is to a new start to my old adventure.


Amber

Why do we 'do' devotions?

So what is so great and magical about devotions? Stick with me here I know this sounds bad. But really what is the purpose?



Many people do devotions because they are supposed to, not because they are motivated to learn. I'm not saying devotions are bad, I'm saying they are bad if we are doing the for the wrong reason. We wont learn anything plus we will feel guilt if we miss a day or two. If we feel like we have to do it then it becomes homework.



I will admit I'm not good at devotions, and when I am...I don't get much out of it because it feels like a chore. I learn a lot however talking with Ryan and then we start digging trough the Bible to see what it has to say. We are very careful to check things in context and history (which he knows much more about) to make sure we aren't bending the words to mean what we want them too.

So don't 'do' devotions because you have to, learn because you want to. I've found that I learn a lot more once a week when I'm motivated and focused vs every day when its just a chore.

2 years later.

Two years ago today I decided to stay home with Mark (my husband.) He was having a bad morning and I decided to wait with him until his Dad arrived. Around 6:45 that night Mark was healed, in heaven. I miss him, I always will, he was my first love and that will never change. We had a great life, a hard one, but we always made the most of it.

We were asked once how we dealt with doubt (in God) Mark was mystified "What would we doubt, me being sick doesn't change the fact that Jesus died for my sins." Amen, I feel the same way. While life might be hard I've never doubted the truth of my faith.

Mark told me many times that he just wanted me happy, even if that meant I was married again 2 weeks later. I thought he was crazy, but then just when I was at a crossroads I met Ryan. He has blessed me so much. He helped get me out of my pity party and start living life again. Something I had stopped doing after Mark passed. He is helping me with my desire to always 'make things better.' That was my job for 3 1/2 years with Mark and while I wouldn't change anything its hard to live your life only being happy when those around you are happy.

So who would thing this is where I would be 2 years later? Not me, but I'm going to keep living life the way Mark taught me. Looking forward, never taking one day for granted.

Here is the link to our blog while Mark was sick :http://mhoftyzer.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

I will never forget you Mark.

In HIS Grip,

~Amber

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Seems Innocent enough huh? That is until you look up Ps. 109:8 "Let his days be few; and let another take his office"

Ok really? This could be taken so many different ways a direct threat, permissive threat or just bad taste. Why are people always taking scripture out of context? This is just part of a speech by a man who is being persecuted. He is referring to those who are trying to shut down God's work and he is talking to God not giving permission to anyone to do anything.

Its no wonder Christians have a bad rap, why would be open ourselves to this? Now admittedly I don't know who started this or what their intentions were but it just looks BAD.

We should pray for our President and all of our political leaders. Even if we don't agree with everything they do, they are the ones in office. The deserve the respect of the office Pray for our leaders that God would touch their lives and the decisions they make.

Learning some not so pretty things.

Sunday our sermon was on idols and how anything that distracts us from God can be an idol. Now obviously this can be taken to the extreme, not everything in your life is an idol. However I personally believe we all have a few. What are the things in out life that we count on to make us happy? For me its my relationships, when something goes wrong or I need a boost I call my husband, family or friend. My first instinct is not to call on God. I was reading in my "The Search for Significance book and something really jumped out at me:

"If we base our self-worth on the approval of others, then we are actually saying that our ability to please others is of greater values than Christ's payment. We are the sinners, the depraved, the wretched, and the helpless. He is the loving Father, the seeking, searching, patient Savior who has made atonement for the lost and has extended to us His grace and son ship. We add nothing to our salvation. It is God who seeks us out, convicts us of sin, and reveals Himself to us. It is God who gives us the very faith with which to accept Him. our faith is simply our response to what He has done for us.... His work through others is, in part, to serve as a channel by which we can better understand His divine love and acceptance of us. Sadly, we are all prone to miss His message and mistake His messenger(s) as the source of out fulfillment."

Ouch and at least for me so true, I can't wait to learn how to turn this back the right way. I've tried and failed so many times on my own.

Ouch- This is hard to hear.

1 Corinthians 3:1-4

1Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? 4For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere men?

Quote from The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

"Many of us are like the Christians at Corinth. We still try to obtain our significance the world's way, through success and approval. Often, we look only to other believers rather than to Christ Himself. we learn to use the right christian words, claim divine power and guidance, and organize programs, and yet so often, our spiritual facade lacks depth and substance. Our spiritual activities become human efforts lacking the real touch of the mater. In effect, we live a lie."

Ouch that is hard to hear, especially when it is true. How do I go about changing my focus from the praise of man (including myself) to the glory of God?

This was shown to me very clearly last night. I just found out that I didn't make it to the final round of interviews for a promotion I applied for. When I was thinking it over last night one of the many, many thoughts that went through my head is who was I doing this for? Who was I trying to impress? Don't get me wrong, that wasn't my only motivation and I will apply for this position again, but why is that even a part of my motive? My reason on this earth has nothing to do with impressing those around me it has everything to do with God.

Prayer

Why is it when I'm having a bad day I go to my friends instead of God? I just cut him out entirely. I know that God has blessed me with my friends, family and husband but that doesn't mean I can cut him out. I'm having a bummer day at work (a few things aren't panning out like I hoped they would.) and the first thing I did was e-mail the hubby and then I wanted to call a friend. I didn't really occur to me to pray until later. Sad. I'm so glad that I have friends that will pray for me and I hope no I pray, that I have this desire more and more.

I guess I'm going in the right direction at least I noticed this time around.

Can you back up your faith?

I mean really back up your faith. Ry and I had a great talk this weekend about 'outreach' in the Church and the purpose of the Church. Now don't take this wrong we both believe in outreach, it is a very important thing in this world, however in this conversation it was simply the gateway to the conversation about the purpose of a Church. So when you pick a Church what do you expect? Why do you expect it? Is it because that is what you grew up with or because that is what the Bible says Church is supposed to be? I was challenged by this. Why do we pick the Church we go? Do we take the time to make sure our Churches beliefs and philosophies follow the Bible?

I was also challenged by something else, I know my Biblical knowledge is solid, My parents made sure of that, but I don't know where the verses are in the Bible to back them up. ( How many times does this have to challange me?) I have no idea about the history around many of the decisions I make everyday (I do know my Bible stories though.) But what about the history, not everything in the Bible is a life application point, some of it just is life, and what those people went through. What about that?

Lucky for me, I have a husband who knows a lot of this stuff and is willing to help me. I know I can back up my faith verbally but he is going to help me back it up biblicaly. I'm excited, we will see how this goes.

De-masculating Men

Why is it that its ok to make fun and yell at Men on TV but not Women? I don't think it should be ok for either. I don't really know what is going on with the whole "Jon and Kate plus 8" think I've only seen 1 or 2 episodes and honestly can't remember much about them to be honest. However with everything in the media you can't ignore the situation. From what I've heard (who knows whats true its 'reality TV') Kate is constantly yelling on the show. What if that was reversed what if Jon was the one yelling? Would anyone watch it? Would it have been canceled? Why do we as a culture think its ok to de-masculate men in this way? Commercials are another big offender in this area. Our young people need men to look up to and respect. They shouldn't be taught that its ok to treat them this way... Biblicly Men are to be the head of the household. How can this happen when all we do is put them down?

So what do we do? I don't know, But now that I have cable I know I won't be watching that show, reruns or not.

Miss California

So apparently there is a big controversy over Miss California's interview portion of the competition:

"Perez Hilton: “Vermont recently became the 4th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit. Why or why not?”
Prejean: “Well, I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you very much.”
http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/2009/04/20/youdecide_miss_usa/

It may have cost her the crown and it may not be the most grammatically correct answer but I say good for her for standing up for her beliefs! So many people are in an uproar about this saying she doesn't represent 'the people' of the United States. Well ok then maybe she shouldn't be Miss USA but that still doesn't' make her answer wrong it makes it hers.

How come people are only entitled to their opinion if its politically correct?

Easter Challange

I had something very exciting happen this weekend. I was challenged, and not just by anybody but by my future husband. I've been praying for a man that would challenge and help cultivate my faith, and boy do I have one!





I called Ryan Easter morning (he had to work early) and not too far into the conversation he asked me why today was any different than any other day as a Christian. This perplexed me at first, what could he mean by that it was EASTER after all "He is Risen!" I stumbled over my answer in till I understood his meaning. Later after I had time to wake up and process what he was asking me I e-mailed back a response here it is:





"Your right today in the big picture of life isn't any different than yesterday. However even I a "good Christian" (in saying that statement I have judged people as worse than I and put myself up on a pedestal.) Don't remember His death and resurrection the way I should. I go through most days without praying, without being in his word, without acknowledging him at all.... When people ask me to defend my faith I often can't give them a Biblical reference for what I believe I just know "its in there somewhere." (huh, maybe not such a 'good Christian' after all.) These are things I'm working on, and have been for a while (I'm honestly hoping that you will help with this.) So isn't it a good idea to take one day aside every year to remember the basis of our faith? To hopefully spur us on to remember this day continually so that it isn't a big deal next time? Heck isn't that the point of communion that we have lost when it becomes a ritual? So many parts of our faith have become a ritual we have lost the meaning behind it all. "





This just breaks my heart. I'm never going to stop celebrating Easter, that was not the point of the question. The point is that why MUST we have a big celebration to remember this? This is the foundation of our faith, Christ dying for our sins. How could we ever forget that??? But we do, often, I know I do.





I want yesterday to be a new start for me. From now on I don't want to go through one single day without acknowledging God and what he has done for me. This could be prayer, worship, study, or remembrance. I not only want others to see a difference in me I want to see a difference.





So please check in on me, ask me how I'm doing and if you want let me know and I will do the same for you. Also notice on the side I've added a prayer request list, please if you feel lead pray for those Items and feel free to comment to this post with prayer requests of your own.

Looking for a Bible Study

I just finished my Esther Bible and I liked it a lot! I'm now looking for one about being a Godly wife. I want it to be rooted in scripture and that seems to be the problem there are lots of books out there but not a lot of studies. Help! I'm looking for a self study as well. My life is going to be pretty hectic for a while and I don't think I can commit to a night a week for the time being. Any Ideas out there?

Purim

I've been learning about the Jewish holiday Purim in Bible study recently. Its actually pretty cool its the celebration of deliverance from the hands of enemy in Esther. They celebrated their deliverance with feasting, gifts and giving to the poor. (Esther 9:20-22)

This got me thinking do we actually take time to celebrate what God has done for us? We celebrate his birth, and his resurrection, but do we celebrate the freedom, joy, peace, love, grace and everything else that he gives us? Here are just a few of the things I'm thankful for:

The amazing love of Ryan, my family and my friends
The strength he gave me over the last few years.
The ability to travel, and the family and friends to stay with when I do.
Deliverance from a past of weakness, and attention seeking behaviors.
Confidence to try new things (trust me this is new within the last 6 years.)

That is just a few of the things that God has blessed me with or saved me from. How different would out attitude be if we focused on these things deliberately?

God wants me to learn something.

So yesterday started out kinda bad I had a e-mail the bummed me out the instant I woke up, dumb modern technology. Once I got to work and everything settled down I got a call that was a phone Bible Study and the topic was all about being careful what you say. In everyday life conversation, e-mails, work, every where.

Matthew 12:34 (English Standard Version)
34(A) You brood of vipers! How can you speak good,(B) when you are evil?(C) For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.


So I think God was trying to get me to pay attention. I'm trying to find a balance in my life between speaking my mind and not holding things in and being down right rude. I think I've teetered toward the edge of rude recently so this was a good reminder for me. Not only to watch what I say but also to be careful what I'm absorbing, from the world around me.


And to prove it again this link was on my friends blog:
http://unfurlingflower.blogspot.com/2009/02/taming-tongue-20-resolutions.html