He is alive!

This is it, without Christ's death on the cross bearing our sins we would have no change or living the sin free life we would have to in order to get to heaven. Today is the reason I know Mark is in heaven. Mark believed in Easter, he believed in the cross and resurrection and that belief is why he is in heaven healed rejoicing with the angels right now.

But what about those on earth? As a friend of mine pointed out "

Most of us think of the Easter as when Jesus died and rose again; many of us even think of Jesus as being God; but how many of us tie the two together and think of "God" dying?" ~Shawn T.

Just think about that for a little bit as this Easter season comes to an end.

That point in your life.

Everyone will come to a point in their life when they realize that they are not in control. I've hit this point a few times and each time I just can't seem to give it up, even when its so obvious that I'm not in control. Why do I feel the need? Why can't I simply just trust God, he is the one who is ultimately in control anyway. It's one of those things I know in my head but I just can't seem to put in to action.

You would think that when Mark got sick I would have given that control up, and I did sorta. I knew that I couldn't control whether or not he was healed in heaven or on earth, however I still tried to control his pain, comfort, and our lives as much as possible. I became strong because I had to I didn't want to let him down. I helped with shots, O2, draining his lungs, pain meds and as much as I could physically do around the house so he didn't have to. I was still trying to control my life.

Even after Mark passed away I tired to remain in control, in a time where I really shouldn't of have to. People are allowed to loose it a little after the death of a loved one. Heck they are allowed to loose it alot!

After meeting Ryan I started to realize how stressed out this was making me. But that didn't stop me till one day last May, I broke, I had some good friends go through a really hard time in the marriage and for some reason, that was all it took. I had the comfort of Ry and I knew that he was able to support me and so to be honest I lost it. I could barley keep myself together. The house was a wreck, I was a wreck and I couldn't get through a day without crying. But still in the midst of it all I found myself trying desperately to regain control, it only made it harder when I failed. I didn't want to disappoint Ry. No matter how many times he told me I couldn't.

Why is this so hard? I'm trying, I'm learning but I just can't give up the reigns. Its a slow process but I think I'm on my way. Life seems better now, easier. I'm learning about my people pleasing ways and my controlling tendencies. Right now I'm in the awareness stage, not quite to the correcting stage. I hope I get there soon...oops there I go again, it will happen in time, when I'm ready (deep breath.)



semper reformanda secundum verbum Dei (always reforming according to the word of God, stolen from my friend Matt)
Amber

My Story

I've come to realize that there are some people reading this blog who didn't know me 2 years ago so I thought I would give a brief synopsis just so that some of my posts makes sense.

I'm really not sure where to start. I had a pretty normal childhood I was lucky enough to have my parents stay together, I think the only thing that might be abnormal was that I lived in 7 different houses in 3 cities by my sophomore year. I was picked on, diagnosed with ADHD (one of the first girls) and struggled with that for a while. But by high school I had it pretty much together. I knew who I was and even though what other people said hurt, I didn't let it change me.



My senior year I started dating Mark we were engaged in August, and married the next June. I had only been 19 for a month. At the age of 20 we had purchased our first home and after I graduated collage as a sign language interpreter life was going pretty good. The summer after I graduated Mark was diagnosed with a VERY RARE form of cancer (thymus carcinoid not thymic) stage 4 it had already spread everywhere knees up elbows in. Including his brain. There was one on his right ocular nerve that gave him double vision and that symptom is how we found it. We spent a year driving 4 hours to the Mayo clinic and having various treatments. Later we moved closer to the hospital Mark wanted and he found a new job working at the same company as his brother (PTL) we continued for 2 years of treatments and doctors appts but they didn't really affect our lives too much. Then it started creating respiratory problems, O2 started in September or so and on December 10th 2007 he passed away. Obviously there is alot more to this story, for the blog I had then go here: http://mhoftyzer.spaces.live.com/



I just got married again this July, Hubby is amazing!! He is such a godsend. He understands my baggage and is so very encouraging. One lasting 'issue' I've had since Mark passed was the crazy notion that I can only be happy when I make those around me happy. Not a great way to live, he has been my "Jesus with skin on" helping me work on this. He is also teaching me how to relax. We haven't had too many adventures yet (except our great honeymoon) we are just trying to settle in and renovate the house. I look forward to many many years together!

2 years later.

Two years ago today I decided to stay home with Mark (my husband.) He was having a bad morning and I decided to wait with him until his Dad arrived. Around 6:45 that night Mark was healed, in heaven. I miss him, I always will, he was my first love and that will never change. We had a great life, a hard one, but we always made the most of it.

We were asked once how we dealt with doubt (in God) Mark was mystified "What would we doubt, me being sick doesn't change the fact that Jesus died for my sins." Amen, I feel the same way. While life might be hard I've never doubted the truth of my faith.

Mark told me many times that he just wanted me happy, even if that meant I was married again 2 weeks later. I thought he was crazy, but then just when I was at a crossroads I met Ryan. He has blessed me so much. He helped get me out of my pity party and start living life again. Something I had stopped doing after Mark passed. He is helping me with my desire to always 'make things better.' That was my job for 3 1/2 years with Mark and while I wouldn't change anything its hard to live your life only being happy when those around you are happy.

So who would thing this is where I would be 2 years later? Not me, but I'm going to keep living life the way Mark taught me. Looking forward, never taking one day for granted.

Here is the link to our blog while Mark was sick :http://mhoftyzer.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

I will never forget you Mark.

In HIS Grip,

~Amber